12:00 – Day is off to a great start. Had a late breakfast with the girlfriend, just got back, realized my kicker John Carney is inactive and didn’t have time to put him on the bench. Sweet. John Carney – 0 points. That’s the start to a winning week if I’ve ever seen one.

12:02 – Noon game: Chiefs-Saints. I need to get the NFL package. Although I sense this could be an entertaining game. Herm Edwards record as Chiefs head coach…14-27. Stellar.

12:04 – Who the hell is Weston Dacus? I live in Kansas City and I have absolutely no idea why he’s starting at middle linebacker for the Chiefs.

12:05 – Who the hell is Lance Leggett and why is he on the field wearing a Chiefs uniform?

12:07 – Who the hell is Kevin Robinson? All of these questions could explain why the Chiefs are 1-8. HERE COMES TYLER THIGPEN! Never thought I’d hear that much excitement from a sportscasters voice when the pride of Coastal Carolina came jogging onto the field.

12:11 – I decided to skip all the crappy RBs in the early rounds this year (i.e. Jamal Lewis, Laurence Maroney, etc.) and didn’t take a RB until Round 6. Turns out this isn’t a great strategy. Julius Jones, Selvin Young, Felix Jones, Rashad Mendenhall…all now Free Agents. All drafted by me. On the bright side, Ray Rice was a good waiver wire pickup for one game.

12:13 – Chiefs Pistol offense. Love the name. That’s all I’ve got. Tyler Thigpen hasn’t thrown an interception in 124 passes.

12:17 – Calvin Johnson! Peyton Hillis! 2 early TD’s! This season is not over yet! And yes, my team is in such disarray that I am starting Peyton Hillis.

12:20 – Drew Brees pass to Jerrad Page. The Chiefs defense has forced the most turnovers in the NFL…21. I just rewound three times to verify this. Still in disbelief. Not sure what would be worse…to discover that the announcers are blatantly lying to us or that they’re being serious and the 1-8 Chiefs lead the league in forcing turnovers?

12:23 – My computer is telling me that Ted Ginn Jr. just had a 40 yard rush. Did the NFL just have its first Touchdown on a Wide Receiver reverse in 33 years? I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for the Game Break as the Chiefs pistol offense runs rampant! And by rampant I mean they’ve had two first downs. 4th and 1. Decision time for Herm Edwards. Going for it! He is not scared! He will not back down! They break into the Wildcat offense and somehow it works. Larry Johnson up the gut for three. No joke. I’m pretty sure the Chiefs threw out the entire playbook four weeks ago, stole playbooks from the Dolphins (Wildcat offense), some small random Nevada college (Pistol offense), and a Kentucky high school (Roll out Thigpen and let him run when things break down offense) and just winged it. Seems to have worked though.

12:28 – How bout dem Chiefs! Touchdown and they’re up 7-0. Poised to make an epic three quarter run before blowing it in heartbreaking fashion in the 4th. Stay tuned.

12:30 – I love Sub Mart! Is Matt Ryan really this legit? I’m still not convinced. Probably gonna be the last one to admit he’s actually a good NFL quarterback. My favorite part of the first quarter of an NFL game is always immediately after the first touchdown. That’s when you get the awesome commercial break, kickoff return, commercial break trifecta. Especially entertaining if the ball is kicked out of the endzone. (The previous sentence contained no traces of sarcasm whatsoever)

12:35 – Last year I drafted Marvin Harrison. This year I drafted Torry Holt in one league and Joey Galloway in my other league. Who should I draft next year? I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head who is a legit WR over 30 with too many miles on the verge of breaking down and having a 300 yard, 1 TD season in 09.

12:43 – So you’re saying I should’ve taken Adrian Peterson instead of LaDainian Tomlinson? And I should’ve taken Steve Breaston over Terrell Owens? And you’re also saying I should’ve taken Tyler Thigpen over Tom Brady? You got it. By the way, I’ve never seen a fantasy football season in which so many players taken in the first three or four rounds have underproduced so much. Who are the top Quarterbacks? Kurt Warner, Phillip Rivers. Who are the top Wide Receivers? Andre Johnson, Roddy White, Greg Jennings. Glad I got Julius Jones and TJ Houshmanzadeh in the middle rounds instead of those guys.

12:51 – This always happens. I’ll have two guys score on their first drives and then nothing will happen until 4:15 when another guy will score a touchdown. I’m pissed already.

12:52 – My girlfriend is awesome to watch football with me today!

12:53 – Editors Note-the 12:52 entry was not made by this writer.

12:54 – Like to quickly note that my girlfriend is extremely excited to be watching football on this lovely Sunday. I believe she is already on text #57 to her sister since the games started.

12:55 – Just called gay by my girlfriend for the previous two entries. Saints take the lead. Deuce McAllister still plays?

1:04 – Tyler Thigpen is Rich Gannon-esque after a Thigpen-Franklin 50 yard strike takes the Chiefs down to the 10. Yes, I wrote Thigpen-Franklin 50 yard strike and Rich Gannon-esque in one sentence. History is being made here folks, don’t go anywhere.

1:07 – What’s the point of challenging a call when its 2nd and goal from a millimeter away and you can’t see the football in the pile of guys at the goal line? That’s having a lot of faith in your running game to challenge when it’s only 2nd down and the ball is literally one inch from the goal line.

1:09 – Girlfriend brings me cookie dough. I feel like things are starting to turn around. At least for me. The Chiefs get stuffed after wasting a timeout on a challenge in which the ball is somewhere near the goal line between 18 players. 3rd and goal. What’s the play? I say bootleg. No? How about throwing the ball up to Dwayne Bowe? Incomplete. How about a field goal? 10-10. Excellent red zone offense Chiefs. Keep it up. Now I know why Herm threw the challenge flag.

1:12 – Just hit me that Warrick Dunn is getting all the carries in Tampa today, Deuce McAllister is starting for New Orleans, Duante Culpepper has a Touchdown pass, Kurt Warner is the best fantasy QB in the league and Gus Frerotte is averaging 114 yards per game. What year is this? FYI…I am extremely upset that Greg Gumbel isn’t doing the Chiefs game. Not nearly as fun to watch a game in which the Chiefs Head Coach is just Herm Edwards instead of Herman Edwards.

1:16 – Marques Colston does in fact still play in the NFL. Good news for me.

1:18 – I don’t know what’s more shocking…seeing a commercial say “Paula Creamer is unstoppable” or noticing that Ryan Grant has 100 yards rushing against the Bears in the first half and also appears to be unstoppable. I say Creamer, but barely.

1:19 – I hate fantasy football. I still blame the whole season on the fact that…yes, more cookie dough…the fact that the guy in front of me took Matt Forte forcing me to take the pride of Notre Dame…Julius Jones. Didn’t anticipate that would ruin my season.

1:20 – I guess if you’re going to lob the ball up in the middle of a defense and expect it not to get picked you should probably lob it to the Chiefs defense. Just remembered that they lead the NFL in takeaways though. Still miffed by that.

1:22 – I think this entry is really picking up…I can’t wait for more! You’re my favorite 

1:23 – Note to self…delete previous entry despite glare from girlfriend.

1:25 – Jeremy Shockey with his first catch of the last two years. The Detroit Lions have a stellar rush defense. Jonathan Stewart, Deangelo Williams and Steve Smith are averaging over 10 yards a carry against them.

1:27 – 13-10 Saints at halftime. None of my guys have done anything since Calvin and Hillis scored in the first three minutes. Naturally.

1:28 – NOT SO FAST!! TJ Houshmanzadeh is a grown ass man! He is a grown ass man! Maybe I do have a chance. Also, maybe, it’s way too early for me to make accurate assessments of my team 90 minutes into Sunday. Especially when I haven’t looked at the fantasy scores yet. And I’m pretty sure I’m playing the other crappy team in the league. Don’t count me out yet. Alright…gonna eat cookies…be back for the second half.

1:44 – And we’re back. Serious question: What do you do if you’re the Chiefs in next year’s draft? Tyler Thigpen is looking like he could possibly be a legit NFL quarterback. This is his fourth straight solid game. Do you go after Matthew Stafford or even Josh Freeman or do you stay with Thigpen and take another defensive tackle that will likely flame out?

1:52 – 20-10 Saints after a Lance Moore 45 yard touchdown. Where does Lance Moore get drafted in next year’s fantasy football draft? Does he go ahead of Colston? Does Kurt Warner make it in the top couple rounds like its 2001 again?

1:55 – PEYTON HILLIS (Pig Sooie-addition from gf after I confirmed that yes, he came from Arkansas)! 5 carries…2 touchdowns! He is the great white hope! Jonathan Stewart is now only averaging 8 yards per carry.

1:57 – Where does LaDainian Tomlinson go? Peterson seems like the unanimous number one, then Portis and Turner. Are Slaton and Forte both at the tail end of the first round? I sense a major shakeup. Especially with there now being ten legitimate quarterbacks. No real need to draft Peyton Manning or Tom Brady in the first two rounds anymore. I’m already excited. That is so, so, so very sad. I say somebody takes a flyer on Tomlinson seven picks too early at number four. Brandon Jacobs has got to be a first rounder. Thomas Jones? I hate myself. Note to all those readers that may someday take cookies out of the oven: take cookie off cookie sheet immediately because cookie can still bake on cookie sheet even though it’s out of the oven apparently. (Note from girlfriend- it’s because the cookie sheet is still projecting heat.)

2:01 – If I’d given you 25,000-1 odds that Andre Johnson, Roddy White and Greg Jennings would be leading the NFL in receiving yards after 10 games would you have put down a dollar on it? I can see Andre Johnson. But who honestly would’ve taken Roddy White and Greg Jennings at the beginning of the year with two quarterbacks who had never started a game in the NFL throwing to them?

2:03 – I decided to try a new draft strategy this year and I took Randy Moss, Steve Smith and TJ Houshmanzadeh to create a trifecta of awesome receivers. Little did I know that Steve Breaston and Eddie Royal would have more yards than all three of them. Could explain why I only have three wins. Although I still claim my season ended when Romo missed a month. He’s back today which is why I will win.

2:05 – I love how the movie “Australia” so blatantly ripped off the score from “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Honestly, changing one note is the best you could do? I feel like my girlfriend is going to think that this entry is going extremely downhill.

2:07 – Peyton Hillis NO!!! On the verge of an epic 3 TD game he comes up short on third and goal from the 1.

2:15 – Pierre Thomas touchdown and the Saints are up two scores. This infuriates me because I picked him up a month ago thinking that Deuce was going to get suspended and Bush was a month away from coming back and I held onto him and I continued to hold onto to him and then I finally realized I didn’t want him on my bench anymore so I dropped him this week thinking Bush was back. And then naturally, Pierre Thomas has 107 total yards and a touchdown through three quarters. And even more naturally, Ricky Williams has thirty total yards. I think this definitely says something about how atrocious my team is. The league leader’s only thoughts on running back is that he’s pissed he actually has to start Chris Johnson because Clinton Portis probably isn’t going to play much. I would trade my entire receiving corps at this point for his backup running back. Also, pretty sure I laughed out loud when he drafted Chris Johnson in the 12th round. Who’s laughing now? Not me.

2:23 – Marvin Harrison has 7 catches, 61 yards and a touchdown?!? I am now completely onboard with the Tyler Thigpen Era in Kansas City. Especially if it’s coupled with the Pistol formation. FYI…that Steve Slaton guy is good. Note to Herm Edwards and Chan Gailey…less conservative with the red zone offense, eh guys. Thigpen to Bowe on the jump ball works this time. Chiefs staying in this thing.

2:25 – I think Brian Billick just said that Dwayne Bowe has incredible hamstrings. Need to rewind that. Okay, hand strength…hamstrings…same thing.

2:27 – “You’re so weird.” Response from the girlfriend after she tells me for the seventh time that there’s any easier way to save a Word document than going to File-Save…such as control S or clicking the disc at the top. My reply is that “I’m old school.” Which elicits the “You’re so weird.” She then inquires about the movie “Australia.” I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s going to suck.

2:29 – I am praying for a late Chiefs touchdown to make it 27-26 just to see if Herm Edwards can make my entire month and go for two again. God…I don’t ask for a lot and I constantly entertain you…please. Please.

2:30 – When did Jeremy Shockey become the worst tight end in the history of professional football? Does NFL Europe still exist? Who is Kevin Robinson? Did I already ask this?

2:33 – Dwayne Bowe needs his own television show where he just shares random thoughts about sleepy food and how his last name rhymes with rainbow.

2:35 – I’m letting the girlfriend take over for a few as I drop a McAllister.

2:36 – Fujita…that’s a fun name, can I have him on my team? Although this fantasy thing seems kinda cool, I’m not sure I have the potential to do well.

2:42 – I love when they show a player absolutely pissed after they completely screw up, it’s awesome. They cuss and scream and stomp off the field; it’s great! (Side note: I hit Ctrl+S because it’s a much better way to save)

2:44 – And I’m back. Wait until I launch my easy to use Fantasy Us Weekly/Fantasy Tabloid website. The girlfriend will enjoy that much more than this thing we like to call Fantasy Football.

2:46 – I can see it now “Sex and the Field”  All women will finally be into the football season as much as you are. I’ll keep track of all the hottest players, those on and off the field. That way when you’re watching the game she’ll want to watch as well to keep track of her favorite guys. It’s a win-win situation for all of us!!!

2:50 – As you may or may not have guessed by now…the previous entry was courtesy of the girlfriend, henceforth known as the gf. “Butthead,” she says to that. I feel like in order to fit in with the previous entries I should discuss the battle on the right side of the field between Chiefs rookie receiver Devand Darling and Saints corner back Randall Gay. So far Gay appears to be getting the best of Darling.

2:56 – Saints field goal attempt. Good. 30-20. “They may have a keeper here in Garrett Hartley.” I doubt it. Can Tyler Thigpen start the Thigpen legend right here with an epic comeback?

3:00 – Chiefs have 4th and 10. Here’s the game. Good, I’m sick of writing. Ballgame. And there goes Tyler Thigpen’s no interception streak. But not before Brian Billick says “you gotta die with your boots on.” Right on. Whatever that means.

3:03 – Dan Carpenter field goal sends the Raiders to 2-8. One of my fantasy teams is dominating thanks to the great PEYTON HILLIS (pig sooie) and the second good TJ Houshmanzadeh effort of the season. Neck and neck in the other league. Saints win. That game wasn’t nearly as entertaining as the newest BK commercial.

Well, I’ll be back tomorrow for a final recap of week 11 unless I lose because of John Carney being inactive. In that case, well, just listen for a loud scream sometime tomorrow night. Final note: Ricky Williams – 4 points. Pierre Thomas – 19 points.

7:02 – Couple interesting developments. First, my Mom said that she once OD’d on Brussel Sprouts. I have no idea what this means but thought it was worth mentioning nonetheless. Second, witnessed one of the better gambling finishes in the Pittsburgh-San Diego game. Pittsburgh down 10-8, favored by four and driving late. Willie Parker scores a touchdown with under a minute to go (they cover) that gets called back for holding. They settle for a field goal with 11 seconds to go (winning but not covering). Then, on the final play of the game, after two laterals, Polamalu breaks a lateral up, snatches the ball off the ground and scores to make it 17-10 (they cover). The play then gets challenged by the booth and as the broadcast went off the air they had reversed the play stating there was a forward lateral that killed the play despite their obviously being no forward lateral as seen from the dozen replays. Final score 11-10 (didn’t cover) as Phil Simms asked Jim Nance what the hell just happened. I can only imagine Vegas for those five minutes. Four legitimate swings and one epic swing at the end. I’m still not even sure the final was 11-10, that’s just what the television said as Simms and Nance scratched their heads when the broadcast went off the air.

As for my teams, well, looking solid in both. Up 14 points with Romo and Witten left and facing off against TO and Santana Moss in my work league. And in my “Most retarded scoring system ever” League in which a guy who catches 19 passes for 387 yards and 3 two yard touchdowns would score less points than a guy with 2 catches for 101 yards and 2 Touchdowns with one of those touchdowns being 97 yards. Also, a guy who runs for 99 yards and catches 99 yards but doesn’t score will score 6 less points than a fullback who has one carry for one yard as long as it’s a touchdown. Also, a Defense that allows 10 points but doesn’t score a defensive or special teams touchdown will be outscored by 30 points to a kicker who has six 40 yarders. I’m not entirely blaming these rules on my record, but still… Anyway, in that league I’m down three points but as long as Trent Edwards throws a touchdown pass or two and Kellen Winslow doesn’t play out of his mind I’ll be in pretty good shape. 2-0? We’ll see.

And now…Brian Collins…